My Impossible Wish List

It is already spring and a while ago since I did my last post. It maybe not so weird as very little has happened over the last couple of months. I have been extremely faithful which is actually a good subject here.

When I had encounters with other women, sometimes as a relationship, sometimes as a business deal as a 'service' or during a massage visit where at least part of my desires were satisfied. It sounds so weird but I very well understand that what I am looking for is most likely something I will never find. And that idea starts to settle.

Yes, I have to admit, the massages are a real relief.

As I wrote in earlier postings is that I indeed find a lot of relieve now with massages and visiting an escort. But that is simply satisfying on a physical level. Don't get me wrong, I personally think it is a great way to find that relieve while not getting involved into something disastrous. Better yet, believe it or not, my wife is actually up to date about it as well.
If you have followed my earlier postings, the sexless situation in our marriage is not completely unexpected, and having a sexual connection going on outside of the marriage that does not involve 'feelings' is also something she saw as a good solution.

But that also made it very clear, sex is just 'sex' if no feelings are involved. I loved being with the escort; she was cute, sweet and very sexy. My masseuse is sweet, cute, not very sexy but gives a hell of a massage and knows what makes me feel exceptionally satisfied.

But the problem is, nothing is expected of me. Oh, to fork over the dough, of course. It is not a bad thing; because it indeed gives me all the love at home, and all the sex as a service. So, perfect solution, no?

Well, no.

With an escort, it is almost like 'shopping' which is actually
what I did not like so much. The woman was beautiful in a girl-next-door
look, but still, it is too arranged. Too, weird.

As I said, nothing is expected of me. During the massage I am just laying on the table, have to turn over when my masseuse tells me, and just be showered and trimmed when I arrive. She'll take care of everything else.

The escort filled me with all the praise. That she loved more heavyset guys that have chest hair. She loved everything about me, even let me kiss her and kissed back passionately. And I loved licking her, cannot help it, but I also wanted to prove myself to her.
But I do not know if everything was real, and I assume it was not. Who knows. It does not matter.

But that is the problem, I want it to matter. Sex with someone who wants you badly, just like you want that someone, is something so very special. The desire to be with that person, touch her, discover her... the real passionate lust. Not lust for sex, but the lust for that someone.

And that makes what I am looking for so much more difficult to find and that I am starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, I will be settling for just what is happening right now.
Because I want to feel passionate for a woman, love her without the love as in a relationship. And I want her to feel absolutely the same towards me. Discrete, beautiful, sexy, and desiring the companionship as much as I do while also understanding that being married brings in a lot of agenda collisions.

So, if you dissect that wish-list completely, it is like asking for world-peace and the perfect apple-strudel a la mode at the same time. It is not going to happen.

Ah, but then, don't you need to set your aim high?