My Impossible Wish List

It is already spring and a while ago since I did my last post. It maybe not so weird as very little has happened over the last couple of months. I have been extremely faithful which is actually a good subject here.

When I had encounters with other women, sometimes as a relationship, sometimes as a business deal as a 'service' or during a massage visit where at least part of my desires were satisfied. It sounds so weird but I very well understand that what I am looking for is most likely something I will never find. And that idea starts to settle.

Yes, I have to admit, the massages are a real relief.

As I wrote in earlier postings is that I indeed find a lot of relieve now with massages and visiting an escort. But that is simply satisfying on a physical level. Don't get me wrong, I personally think it is a great way to find that relieve while not getting involved into something disastrous. Better yet, believe it or not, my wife is actually up to date about it as well.
If you have followed my earlier postings, the sexless situation in our marriage is not completely unexpected, and having a sexual connection going on outside of the marriage that does not involve 'feelings' is also something she saw as a good solution.

But that also made it very clear, sex is just 'sex' if no feelings are involved. I loved being with the escort; she was cute, sweet and very sexy. My masseuse is sweet, cute, not very sexy but gives a hell of a massage and knows what makes me feel exceptionally satisfied.

But the problem is, nothing is expected of me. Oh, to fork over the dough, of course. It is not a bad thing; because it indeed gives me all the love at home, and all the sex as a service. So, perfect solution, no?

Well, no.

With an escort, it is almost like 'shopping' which is actually
what I did not like so much. The woman was beautiful in a girl-next-door
look, but still, it is too arranged. Too, weird.

As I said, nothing is expected of me. During the massage I am just laying on the table, have to turn over when my masseuse tells me, and just be showered and trimmed when I arrive. She'll take care of everything else.

The escort filled me with all the praise. That she loved more heavyset guys that have chest hair. She loved everything about me, even let me kiss her and kissed back passionately. And I loved licking her, cannot help it, but I also wanted to prove myself to her.
But I do not know if everything was real, and I assume it was not. Who knows. It does not matter.

But that is the problem, I want it to matter. Sex with someone who wants you badly, just like you want that someone, is something so very special. The desire to be with that person, touch her, discover her... the real passionate lust. Not lust for sex, but the lust for that someone.

And that makes what I am looking for so much more difficult to find and that I am starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, I will be settling for just what is happening right now.
Because I want to feel passionate for a woman, love her without the love as in a relationship. And I want her to feel absolutely the same towards me. Discrete, beautiful, sexy, and desiring the companionship as much as I do while also understanding that being married brings in a lot of agenda collisions.

So, if you dissect that wish-list completely, it is like asking for world-peace and the perfect apple-strudel a la mode at the same time. It is not going to happen.

Ah, but then, don't you need to set your aim high?

My friend Porn, meet my other friend Erotica!

Let's just talk a little bit of porn here. Just, plain porn. As you might have guessed from my last couple of postings, porn has played a very big part in my life. Porn is like my best friend who still doesn't remember my name after 35 years of loyalty. Porn is the friend I like to hate, but can't live without.

Gorgeous erotica, (c) PK-FOTO.nl

My friend porn is a bit jealous of my friend Erotica. And to put it all in perspective, let's say my friend Porn is a dude, and my friend Erotica is this sweet girl next door that my wife is not allowed to know that I love to spy on her. Because, well, Erotica is also a good friend of my wife. My wife doesn't mind Porn, but always likes it if he leaves again.

The problem is, Erotica, sweet as she is, she always brings Porn along, but he always shows up late, while Erotica shows up on time. In other words, Erotica always is followed by porn.

I love erotica. I have loved it from the very first moments that I saw it. Don't be mistaken, it is different than watching naked women. I can see a naked woman, and it might not have the impact that well made erotica does. When seeing a naked woman, even if she is beautiful; if I am not in the mood, it might look beautiful, but it is not having such an impact. Erotica is showing a woman (or a man) in such a way that it arouses you. Erotica doesn't have to be explicit, it doesn't even have to be nude or partially nude. Erotica can be created with a look in a woman's eye directed towards the viewer. It is lifting the skirt just a little bit so that you see the line of her lingerie. Well done erotica is the perfect balance of showing something that makes you warm inside, has that tingling feeling creep up on you softly, and takes your mind of the every day problems and get them into a state of arousal and happiness.
I always, without a single exception, am happy after seeing erotica.

So, actually, officially and biologically, this doesn't
make any sense. But fuck... it is sexy!
(c) julesjordan.com

Porn is different. Porn is not about the mood, it is about the explicitness, seeing every beautiful body in actually a very natural way. We always say that erotica is more like how sex should be, but, well, from nature's point of view it seems that porn is more biological sensible than erotica is. Alright, this statement immediately falls flat on its face because porn became a lot more than just showing people 'procreate'. Fucking each other to produce a next generation. I mean, squirting a fresh load of semen on a woman's face does nothing to populate this planet. Actually, biologically, it shows that a man might not even be intelligent enough to keep his cock inside of her until he ejaculates. I mean, sorry, but have you ever been in a woman? Reaching that orgasm? Where do people get the strength to actually pull it out? I don't know if I should be in awe of these people, or that I should start worrying about the average level of our next generation?

But even though porn might be littered with things that make no sense to the way of the world; anal sex is not helping her get pregnant (let's hope not), nor does watching a woman play with herself with a wide arsenal of toys. Better yet, lesbian sex, or homosexual or bi-sexual sex, also does not really do anything to do things, but fuck, it can be so good to watch!

More erotica, going far, but, still pretty tasty.

Erotica, however, makes in that perspective no sense at all. It is the teasing, but not really following up to the promise. It is like building up to a cliff-hanger that never get's a next episode. It is great to get into the mood, even stay in the mood, but I guess here is going to be the difference between the majority of men and the majority of women. Men love to then zoom in on more. We love to see the erotica, I think there is no man who doesn't like it, but after that, we want to see more. And the moment we get beyond that point, we just want to see it, in all detail, explicit and everything. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of women also like to see it, but I personally don't believe that there is any guy who can stick with just erotica, while I know a lot of women who do.

In the beginning I was more or less joking with my wife not liking my friend Porn. But, it is not completely true. Although I have mentioned that our marriage has some kinks that sadly cannot be straightened out, we both love Erotica and Porn. And my wife understands very well that Porn is more my friend than hers, she still can get along with him. We love it actually so much that our house is also filled with antique nudes, and we have collections of erotic literature and also magazines. We love to take photos of models, trying to create photos that are a perfect balance between erotica and porn. Something that shows a lot, is explicit enough, but not going over the deep end.

I do like going over the deep end. Oh, you can show me anything if I am in the mood; it cannot be explicit enough, with any kind of bodily fluid involved, at any location, dressed in whatever or without whatever clothing and with whomever or whatever. Of course I would like to show myself with a little more class, but come on, who am I kidding?

There is not a single one of you who can say this is not erotic, and not pornographic, at the same time. Fuck, the ladies from
X-Art.com are in my opinion the first ones who really are getting close to get it down to an art. Wow!

But, that balancing on the edge of erotica and porn, is actually very interesting. And there is not a lot out there of it. It should be naughty, it should be explicit, it should be like what if Erotica and Porn had a love-child. There is not enough of that.

Sooooo... for the first time I will actually invite you readers that if you know erotica that in your idea meet this criteria, respond to this posting. Of course, that is for all of you that made it through another one of my lengthy articles ;)

Enjoy!

Did I Really Visit An Escort? - Massage part II

Sometimes I really have to come back to what I have written before. And without me getting in my old postings and just modifying something, I think it is much more interesting simply to follow it up with another posting. Just as much fun.

A couple of postings ago I described of how getting a massage became a good alternative to my cheating lifestyle. And it actually is, although I have stopped the massage therapist that I was seeing and that I wrote about earlier. The simple fact is that it still did not feel as if it was a good alternative to what I was lacking. But, what was it that I was lacking?

It is easy to think that I was lacking sex. Which, of course, is true, but I also keep writing about how the mind is the most sexual organ, and with that, I do get enough sex at home. My wife and I are very open about sex, the problem is, she simply cannot have it. Period. But, on the other hand, I didn't like the fact to have sex without any passion. It made me felt empty and really bad.

So, yes, make up your mind! I could not really describe what I was missing. Well, I could, which is a connection with someone, very passionate, who loves all the attention, but also doesn't want a boyfriend, but also is completely open to my schedule, and is completely discrete.

Yes. I know. I ended up visiting an escort. The thing I thought I would never do, I did. And even though it is a couple of months ago now, I still don't know what to think of it. It was actually incredibly great, but also very weird, and not the way I thought it would be weird.
At one moment, I simply started looking around online, seeing if there was someone and what possibilities it might have. Just to play it out in my imagination. Of course, my better part of my ego warned me a gazillion times about safety, what if it is not a girl at all, or what is I am robbed, or even if she doesn't look the way she looks in the photo, or, of course what if it is a police officer?

But, as many men can describe you, once a thought has entered a man's mind about sex, it will dig in deep, nest in there, and will hang on like a leech until you keel over with a heart-attack. And at one moment just looking around online, there was this ad of this girl. And she looked fantastic. In my opinion at least. Not a model at all, but a very normal, but wonderful girl. Loveliest smile, fabulous eyes. Find me weird or not, but that is what does it for me. The smile and the eyes. I don't care about breast size or being very thing at all. You win me over with a smile.

Of course, I already painted this 'worst case scenario' that she actually had a beard, a gut and a voice that would make water boil. But, blood was flowing where it drained it from my brain, and I found myself sending her a message on the phone number that was listed. Fool! Stupid idiot. There I went, already giving out personal information.
And I almost immediately received a message back. She was able to receive me that afternoon after work, and even though the amount became more than listed, I was not in any condition to mention that, especially because the only words I would have been able to utter were 'bwahumba' and 'urghidastic'.

Even driving over there, my mind was racing and telling me all the time to just turn the car around, but no, I drove up to the address she mentioned and saw, next door, a bunch of guys sitting on their bikes and indeed, thought it was not the right thing to do. So I drove on. My mind taking the right decision. Until her message that she was outside, waiting for me and if I was in the area already. So, I decided to drive by one more time, and noticed the address was actually a couple of houses off. And there she was. Exactly like in her picture.

I parked, got out, and walked up to her. She greeted me with a wonderful smile and hugged me, and guided me inside... of this horrible apartment building. Well, it was a beautiful old house - once - and now it housed a couple of apartments. Getting over the stuff on the stairs was painful but eventually we arrived at the attic apartment. It was messy, stuff everywhere, but at least clean. And, well, she was there, almost just as nervous as I was.
When the door was closed, she immediately took of her clothes, stammered some words and then actually greeted me. This made me feel so much more relaxed, because clearly it was not my first time either. Well, after a bit of talking, it seemed it was not her first time as well, but she was anything from experienced. And it showed. Not because of her performance, but simply because she was way too honest about having just lubed up - which for a guy of course is not the thing you want to know. Of course I know that she is not naturally wet from a guy she just met, and not only that, attracted to just any guy. And although I will mention here that I don't think I am an unattractive guy at all, I might also not be just anyone's taste.

But she was overly complimenting on things that I know were fake, but she actually pulled it off so well that I really started to doubt. Which, of course, is also what I wanted. I don't want to have the idea that I am rejected but for the love of money, just come on! I want to have the feeling that I am the best thing on earth at that moment.

She had a stunning body. Very easily the most gorgeous body I had my fingertips run along. Her breasts were perfect, even though I am not a breast person. And wonderfully shaven. Her body was cold though, cool, which my mind just saw as a good thing because it was warm in the summer. See how you can make a good thing of something obviously pointing out she was not really into me.

She was asking immediately also if I would fuck her. But I was not here with such a beautiful girl just to hump and leave. That is not what I was here for. But I was afraid that it would be that. I asked if we just could cuddle a bit, and - although I knew the answer already - wouldn't mind kissing. If you read more of my postings, you know that kissing is extremely sexy to me. Surprised I was when she said she wouldn't mind kissing at all. More doubt. Was this then an act? Or not? Oh, I actually loved that game of confusion in my mind.

She was a good kisser, not fantastic, but a lot better than what I was used to. And the moment for me was when I asked her if I could lick her. Which she hesitantly agreed to, but with the warning that she did get lubed up, so, she might taste bitter.
Well, real men do not care! And she still tasted amazing. And I loved it. I love love love licking a woman. Just, give me that and I am a happy guy. And there, I was a happy guy. And she actually became a really happy girl. I was so proud of myself! Sure, I may brag. And I will brag.

Oh, a facial photographed like this always works.
In reality... slightly different.

She became much more talkative after that. We laid for quite some time simply in each other's arms. She played around with my dick a bit, and just talking a bit. About her, the apartment, actually about her boyfriend (yes, we did) and how she mentioned she would love, after that meeting was over, to visit other times too. Look, you don't have to convince me; it is a business transaction, and the sales she did, was amazing.
I was happy, yes, even without the fucking. The licking of such a beautiful woman was what it was for me already. I wouldn't care. When we were way beyond the hour we agreed to, she took me in her mouth, and very slowly started giving me the very first blow-job in my life that was absolutely amazing. Most blow-jobs I have had were okay at best, an occasional good, but this one was what a man dreams about. Her hands moving softly, her lips wet, her tongue delicious. And no hurry at all. For at least 10 minutes she did this before starting to increase the movements. She was laying on her side, jerking me off  until I reached my orgasm, which was a bit more powerful than she expected and actually hit her straight up her nose. Yep, a wonderful erotic experience, shooting a rope of sperm right up a girls nostril, who immediately gasps, trying to catch a breath, and coughs and runs to the bathroom snorting her nose, then come in howling with laughter.

And this is why I still don't really know about if this was a great experience or not. I know it is work for her, and a lot of the positive parts were simply her doing her job. But some moments were simply just so memorable. I did not fuck her, even though she offered it multiple times, I just loved the licking her, her orgasm ( which was the reason why she ended up giving an extra 40 minutes above the paid hour because she told me she had problems fucking after an orgasm ) the laying there and the unexpected ending of it.

The issue is, it is because it went like that that I liked it, but I was very sure that another time would be different. If I would have had sex with her, it would be me just humping her, while she was simply hoping it would be over. I am not an idiot, like anyone who works, we are all waiting for the time to go home. As was she. No doubt.

Well, if you read the story, you know it did not end like this... a lot less - ehm - classy ;)

So as fun as that experience was, and being with such a beautiful young girl, it still would not be the solution. There would be something else to be found... and I seemed to have found it a couple of months later which I will write about next time in the third part of the Massage story.

Porn and old media...

I received an message earlier today asking me if I would still be blogging since I did not write for such a long time. And it actually hit me then, that is has been a long time. And while this person and I were writing for a bit, the subject of VHS came up... the old plastic cartridges and the tape inside you learned to fix with tape to keep watching the dirty movies you encountered.

Although I have read nudie magazines from very early on, and already discovered the book 'the Joy of Sex' on my parents' bookshelf. But I never actually thought there was anything about sex beyond that. In my young mind, and I talk way, way before I experienced the pleasures of touch myself, I simply did not connect those dots just yet.
The girls in the magazines, Playboy and Penthouse in my dads magazine subscription suitcase he got from work once a week, simply were nude. And that is already where I laid down my preference for the Penthouse magazine, because there I could see far better between the legs.

And that is also when suddenly, one morning when that suitcase had to be returned to the office, one magazine was missing. It was the December 1986 issue of the Penthouse.

Just to make very sure, I actually had to do some research for which issue it was, and it took me some whole 5 minutes to figure it out.

From that moment, the American Penthouse was my magazine. And living in Europe, being a kid not even reaching an age with two digits yet, it was amazing.

Once I actually hit those two digits and I experienced the first pleasures of an orgasm, forget it, it was ON! As most likely any guy out there, it has resulted as likely the only source of steady exercise a guy gets. But I always loved the magazine. And I was not against Playboy, or later the Hustler when I discovered it, but at that moment, I was in love.

The 'love' part came mostly because of the centerfold Jill Shawntai. That magazine lasted throughout most of my teenage years until at one ridiculous moment I decided to 'clean up' and trash my whole

collection of magazines. I have then also to admit that the photo to the left taught me more about the
female genitalia than anything else. I have studied this photo as if it was homework. Sure, right now it is nothing special anymore that you will not see if you stay for three seconds on Google and fill out any anatomical name. But remember that time, that the only porn you saw was what you 'discovered' so secretly somewhere else in the house?

Well, no matter what, even though times have changed, I still love the magazines, and I still am subscribing to the Penthouse. Sure, it changed a lot through the years. It became very hardcore, and after the reorganization it became temporarily even more 'clean' that Playboy has ever been.

But the idea of the magazine, the stills, is still very erotic to me. And yes, we can credit it even to the photo to the right that I got into photography at all so many years later.

But, that was my link to sex. That was what sex was to me, these photos. Watching women, posing. So when I saw a real hard-core photo in a sex magazine that I accidentally found without me absolutely snooping around in my parents' room for it - how dare you insinuate that! - my life and mind just blew up. I knew of course what would happen, geez, they drew it out so nicely in 'The Joy Of Sex'. But actually seeing it? Wow! Look, that women already posed like they did in these magazines was already something I wondered about, but there were actually people actually having sex? On photos? What was the world coming to?

Of course, I was frustrated, because that was the only magazine I found. So I had a very limited supply of real pornographic photos. And believe me, they were not good. Oh, they were not good at all. But, well, there was a penis sliding into a vagina. How much better could it get?

That answer was given when I saw my first porn shot. On the VHS tape that I expected had my cartoon from the day before on it. Oh, it was no toon, but oh, I liked it so much better. And I then made it my mission, to go through all the thirty 4-hour-stretched-to-8-hour tapes to find out if there was more of this drug on there.

And that was when movies like Sky Foxes or Hanky Panky, Pizza Girls and such came to my attention. Ah, nostalgia. But the most interesting part of it was not the porn itself, but the whole experience around it. Just like I wrote in my last posting, the buying of porn itself was half the fun, and sometimes half the arousal.
 

The getting your tape, forwarding it, playing it, rewinding, playing it again, and just enjoying those moments while at the same time you were alert as a fox for any sound that might imply someone was coming home.

Right now, although I can get my hands on these old movies through the magic of the internet, it still is lacking. Suddenly, it is that old, outdated kind of porn. By nostalgia fun and erotic, but hopelessly outdated. Ah, but the good old memories...

I make no illusions, getting porn through the internet does beat everything. At any time, thinking about something, and getting it right away. We are getting way too lazy for porn.

But, call me an old fart, but just like that I still prefer reading a book holding the hardcover in my hand, I still enjoy receiving, every month, the Penthouse and Hustler by mail. Yes, I might be that only subscriber left... but I prefer that to online.