My Impossible Wish List

It is already spring and a while ago since I did my last post. It maybe not so weird as very little has happened over the last couple of months. I have been extremely faithful which is actually a good subject here.

When I had encounters with other women, sometimes as a relationship, sometimes as a business deal as a 'service' or during a massage visit where at least part of my desires were satisfied. It sounds so weird but I very well understand that what I am looking for is most likely something I will never find. And that idea starts to settle.

Yes, I have to admit, the massages are a real relief.

As I wrote in earlier postings is that I indeed find a lot of relieve now with massages and visiting an escort. But that is simply satisfying on a physical level. Don't get me wrong, I personally think it is a great way to find that relieve while not getting involved into something disastrous. Better yet, believe it or not, my wife is actually up to date about it as well.
If you have followed my earlier postings, the sexless situation in our marriage is not completely unexpected, and having a sexual connection going on outside of the marriage that does not involve 'feelings' is also something she saw as a good solution.

But that also made it very clear, sex is just 'sex' if no feelings are involved. I loved being with the escort; she was cute, sweet and very sexy. My masseuse is sweet, cute, not very sexy but gives a hell of a massage and knows what makes me feel exceptionally satisfied.

But the problem is, nothing is expected of me. Oh, to fork over the dough, of course. It is not a bad thing; because it indeed gives me all the love at home, and all the sex as a service. So, perfect solution, no?

Well, no.

With an escort, it is almost like 'shopping' which is actually
what I did not like so much. The woman was beautiful in a girl-next-door
look, but still, it is too arranged. Too, weird.

As I said, nothing is expected of me. During the massage I am just laying on the table, have to turn over when my masseuse tells me, and just be showered and trimmed when I arrive. She'll take care of everything else.

The escort filled me with all the praise. That she loved more heavyset guys that have chest hair. She loved everything about me, even let me kiss her and kissed back passionately. And I loved licking her, cannot help it, but I also wanted to prove myself to her.
But I do not know if everything was real, and I assume it was not. Who knows. It does not matter.

But that is the problem, I want it to matter. Sex with someone who wants you badly, just like you want that someone, is something so very special. The desire to be with that person, touch her, discover her... the real passionate lust. Not lust for sex, but the lust for that someone.

And that makes what I am looking for so much more difficult to find and that I am starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, I will be settling for just what is happening right now.
Because I want to feel passionate for a woman, love her without the love as in a relationship. And I want her to feel absolutely the same towards me. Discrete, beautiful, sexy, and desiring the companionship as much as I do while also understanding that being married brings in a lot of agenda collisions.

So, if you dissect that wish-list completely, it is like asking for world-peace and the perfect apple-strudel a la mode at the same time. It is not going to happen.

Ah, but then, don't you need to set your aim high?

Plain Porn

As you might have noticed, sex is something that is on my mind a lot. Sure, I am a guy, that makes it already a given fact. But actually, it is really on my mind a lot. The erotic state of mind is something fascinating, and watching a female body naked or in such sexual way, is something incredible. Or multiple people in sexual situations always attracted my attention.

Before most boys of my age knew the official word for the female genitalia, I knew them not only how to write and spell it, but could draw them out by mind in any shape or form, simply because the gigantic collection of porn I already collected even before I actually played with myself. When I saw the first time a lady in the nude on a centerfold in a Playboy when I was about 4 or 5, I was hooked. Not that I understood it, or that I knew what it meant; but the fact that there was a magazine published about naked women must have meant that it was something special. I shared this fascination with my friend and while other kids - if they were lucky - tried 'playing doctor' once, we played the artist and his muse. She would pose just like the models in the Playboy and the Penthouses we could get our hands on, and I would draw her. Although I could not yet buy the magazines officially, it was no problem to get my hands on them. And before I even had my first orgasm, I owned more magazines; ranging from simple plain girlie mags to hardcore porn.

Porn and erotica always stayed something important to me. Sure, I love sex, but it is something else. I love to masturbate... simply love it. It is nothing to be compared to sex. Masturbation is selfish, alone, just me. Sex is something completely different. Sure, it has an orgasm as result and has to do with the thing between my legs, but that is where the similarity in my opinion ends.
And it only has been with my wife who actually understood this. And she did also not see it as something that meant I did not want her. I remember the moment when we were not yet even that long together that she was introduced to my collection, and already it became clear to her that it was to me not the dirty ripped apart and stained magazines under the bed. Perfectly ordered, in a couple of book cases, I had everything there. I simply love to see the female body. I love to see my wife's, but just any other too. I can masturbate for hours just looking at female bodies, sex...

The good thing about it and having the privacy for enjoying the self pleasuring is that I got completely comfortable with what I liked, and what not, and understanding that my preferences change. I know I am the cheater here, and that I will not in any way say that watching porn got my lust under control; not at all. But, it did get me to enjoy things that I could not enjoy with someone else.

For example; as you also may know by now, I have a huge passion for an orgasm and women. With which I mean, the male orgasm preferably in women. Porn should not have condoms. Sure, it is the right thing to do in real life, but porn is not real life. And while watching porn, it should stimulate the senses, and condoms just don't do that. My wife hates seeing the 'money shot', but for me, it is so incredibly sexy.

A lot of things I have developed an interest in, without even having experienced ever for real. It is not only the male orgasm on or in a woman that turns me on, but anything liquid that isn't blood. I love to see a woman pee. Never seen it in real life though, and still hope to experience it with someone one time. I don't even have to participate in it, I don't even know if I would like it, but just seeing it would already be a huge turn on. Until that time, photos will help me out enough.

The thing that I enjoyed learning about myself is that age is completely irrelevant to me. A mature lady might be much more sexy than a beautiful woman. It really differs per day, just like the ethnicity I would be interested in. Even the body type can change any moment. It is to me, the beauty is in the erotic mood. I cannot stand the faked sex, which is why I prefer photos over movies. The movies are always so acted, and never well done. Not only that, they are horrible as masturbation material because if you finally found the location you would like to experience your moment-supreme on, suddenly you are looking at the face of the guy at exactly your wrong moment. Photos are nice, and without the fake orgasm sounds.

Over the last 12 years I have had multiple women posing in front of the camera, the shoots that my wife directed and I shot. And seeing that side of the porn industry, the fact that making the shoots yourself is by far not as erotic as you might think, also put things in another light for me. I enjoy porn now as it should; shallow. It is just superficial what you see. And you know what? I don't care. Like snacking something once in a while; you know it is not nutritious, but it is so damn yummie.

Who is the Honest Cheater?

Alright, I cannot begin this blog, without introducing myself.

I am Peter, in my early forties  guess it or not; I am actually happily married and have two children. Both girls and although I still do not understand them, and being a guy - I most likely never will, I love them till death. Just like I love my wife, mind you.

My wife knows about the cheating. I was more or less forced into a position where I had to confess to it, which was hard. Sure, I have a gazillion different excuses why I cheated, but in the end, that didn't matter. I had to tell her.

We were lucky. Although it caused first a pretty large speed-bump on the road of our relationship, now, a year later, it has made our marriage stronger than ever.

I have been growing up being an honest virgin for 24 years. No kidding. Not that I was some kind of hunchback, mind you. I actually was pretty popular with the girls growing up, but I still had my mind set on finding miss Right and experience my first sex with her. Sure, I masturbated like crazy from the moment I first found out that that thing between my legs was a far better toy than Lego. And I never stopped.
And just like I have a passion for pornography. Yup, although most of it is crap, I like the visual arts around erotica that is actually meant for arousal. So, even nowadays, I masturbate a lot, and look at a lot of porn. And my wife is absolutely okay with it. Well, she was, but for me, it was a bit weird.

Sex is important in our marriage, but it is not there.We both love to see it, but it is not there. We actually own a photo production studio where erotica is one of the big things, but we don't have sex. We want to, but can't. A hormonal disorder with my wife renders her almost lust-less. And I could still live with that. But hormones do more than making a woman horny, it also controls anything with affection; and we lost that. And at one moment, after 8 years, I gave up. I simply gave up trying to get some passion in our marriage. I love my wife, and did not want to confront her anymore with telling her that did not work out this way. I don't want to have sex when she doesn't want to.

So, I actually found the easy way to avoid it all. Finding a woman who would love to experience an encounter was not hard to find. Craigslist, in the end, was just a playground, as I found out. And I tried beating around the bush when women responded on my posting, but that never worked out. Until, I found out I just had to be honest. I remember that the header was 'Cheater is looking for someone to cheat with'. And the lottery fell; as I found out, I was anything but the only married person looking for simple affection. It was not about the sex! So many people, just, lacking the passion in their marriage way before they even were in their thirties, and starting to realize that the rest of their lives would be passion-less and sex-less.

And believe me, the first time I thought it was about missing sex. I actually underestimated myself, and found women who loved to simply invite me over for sex. It was easy, quick, but for me, it did not satisfy what I thought I was missing. Sure, we had sex, and it was passionate, but over time, I found out sex to me alone is not what I was lacking... it needed to be a package deal. Passion, attraction and sex. Not just sex alone. And even that was found (and I will describe these experiences in all detail in future postings). Long story short; this beautiful and wonderful Latina lady was caught by her husband. And her husband started threatening me. I honestly cannot blame him, but, if my wife would learn it from anyone, it had to be me.

So, I confessed. And she got sad, then angry... and then she left for her parents...

And then, earlier than I had ever expected, she came back. To be honest, her mother had sent her back. Not to give me hell to pay, but actually, my wife apologized. Which, I don't think she ever had to do, but still, she did. And the thing she apologized for was for neglecting me. Don't get me wrong, she still hated my guts for cheating, but actually, we discovered that we needed to talk. And we did, and we learned to simply be open about ourselves, even if it means complaining about our relationship with constructive criticism. And so everything was spoken about, our marriage, sex, lack of, but also, fantasies, lust... and I think we learned more about each other than ever before.

Aha, all's well that ends well? Well... the readers who paid a little attention, noticed the mentioning of  '...and will most likely do it in the future again' reference in my first blog post. Yes, our marriage did not magically heal. We talk, we understand, but things are not perfect. Which also will be talked about in detail in the future.

But, that is a little bit about me, and the cheating during my marriage. Oh, there are a lot of stories to tell. And they all will be written, shared, yes, also in graphical detail... so, join in on the conversation if you want to, or follow my blog...

The Honest Cheater Begins...

I Cheat.

Yes, I have cheated in the past, I have been cheated on, and most likely, I will again cheat in the future. So, let's get that out in the open. So to make very clear, this will be a blog about cheating. Not the cheating in games, or hiding some Ace of Spades up your sleeve. Nope, I mean the top sport under all married people, the things we all love to deny so very much... cheating on your spouse or significant other.

The reason why I want to start this blog? It is actually very simple, I could not find one. Not one that was honest. Hence, the title of this blog. I will be the honest cheater. I will be honest about my personal opinion about it, but also let you all in on some of the things that happened to me, problems, solutions etc.

But, before half of the readers might go into a frenzy, I think almost every cheater knows and understand this... but there is more to cheating that betraying a partner. Nobody got into a marriage or long-term relationship to just walk off with someone else. And I was an idealistic person in the past, and thought it would never happen to me... but the world is a bit different than I thought.

So, yes, this will be a blog about cheating. And yes, it will also be sexual too. But I also would like you to just feel welcome here on my blog. Opinions are always allowed, and I know there will be a lot of opinions with people who will be reading this. But my message is; let's stay civilized.

So, let me first introduce myself... which I will do in the next posting.